Inside the Mind of Cali

Starting Again?

2007-04-03T22:06:00.000-06:00

A good many things have changed since I last wrote. I was with a guy named Damian. Now I'm with a guy named James. It's a big change from the things you guys last knew, right?

I'm certainly not as depressed as I was before, though I will always fight depression itself.

Let me start off from the beginning.......

I stopped writing over here and kinda stopped writing completely because Damian and I were having problems. Worse problems than I had origionally ever admitted to anyone. He and I moved. We lived there for a year, and things between us just got steadily worse. He continued to not work, not even looking for a job. He also continued messing around online with various women. I finally had enough March of this year ('07) and he and I agreed he would move out.

October came around and I was still waiting for him to move out.

Needless to say, November came around and I had a place of my own. From there is where I write. It's a nice little two bedroom house with a good sized yard right next to a church... and I love it.

I dated a couple guys and none of them panned out. Seems I still run off everyone I know, for the most part. Then I met James. James is wonderful. He's kind, smart and funny. He makes me laugh when I'm grumpy and pulls me in his arms when I'm upset. He's not going anywhere, so far....(thank goodness!)

James is some of the things Damian was, and a lot of the things Damian wasn't. James refuses to not work. If he isn't working, he's cleaning the house, doing dishes and taking care of me and the dogs. He also refuses to let me wear myself out trying to carry all of the burden of working and paying the bills.

He also has wonderful communication skills. We talk. We listen. We laugh and we work together toward fixing our problems.

That's something Damian and I never did.

Anyway, I don't know if I'll be writing more here or on my other blog. I do know that I've kinda stopped writing very regularly because I'm busy. James and I have so much to do in our spare time that we don't really get on the computer. Who knows, though, right?!

One More For the Road...

2006-08-14T05:08:00.000-06:00

I can't breathe. His hands are too tight around my neck, squeezing harder as he comes closer and closer to reaching his breaking point. I can't move, the weight of him crushing me even as the size of him tears my flesh. My hands claw at his to no avail. His eyes are glassy; his face controted into an ecstasy of rage and exhilaration revealing the madness he hides from the world.

He's close now. I can feel him swelling within me, tearing me more as he moves. Stars dance in my vision and I start to panic. I pound my little fists into his chest as hard as I can and try to wiggle free.

"That's right," he growls, panting. "Fight me!"

He moves faster, pounding into me. A single tear slips down my face as my eyes start to close. All I see is stars as I feel him explode within me.

Instantly his hand on my neck relaxes and he falls on me, almost smothering me with his weight. Gasping, I wiggle weakly underneath him, searching for anything that will give me repreive from his overwhelming weight and a small bit of air.

My body hurts all over. After a minute he lifts himself, letting me scoot from under him. His hand reaches out and he grasps my hair, keeping me from going too far. My eyes wonder to the most hated part of him, the part that hurts me the most. I hear him chuckle and I look up at him, my stomach in knots.

"You like that,don't you Cali." He whispers. "You like what you do for me. You know I love you. That's why I do this. I do this because I love you. If you love me, Cali, you won't cry." He looks down and touches himself.

I start to shake, knowing what's coming next but helpless to stop it.

"You bled on me, Cali. You made a mess. If you loved me, you wouldn't make a mess. But you did. You fucking did. Now you're gonna have to pay, Cali. I'm gonna teach you to be clean you little bitch! Stupid little whore!" He holds his hand up for me to see. "See this shit?! What is this shit? What the fuck is this shit, bitch!?!"

He pulls my hair tighter and slaps my face with the dirty hand. He pulls my head back and I brace myself, unsure of what he'll hit first.

Something slams into my stomach, and my knees buckle. His grip on my hair is the only thing that holds me up as I cry out, weakly. I feel his hand grip me between my legs and squeeze.

The world spins...

~~~~~~

I woke up fighting the sheets that were tangled about me and gasping for breath. When I finally realized where I was I stopped fighting, but it took me a moment to regain my composure. It's been awhile since I've dreamed about him. I'm not quite sure what brought this dream about but it's been taken me 3 days to write it. Part of me wants to exclude a lot of what's written here or change it to be about someone else, as if from the third-person perspective but another part of me feels that this is right. The things that happened to me happened and helped to shape the woman I am today. I'm proud of who I am today. I've come along way from the frightened little girl I was.

I realise that this memory isn't something I write because I need to overcome the pain and hurt that I was subjected to as a child but because I'm proud of the woman I've become. I'm proud of the fact that I no longer cringe in fear when a man raises his hand to me. This is an obsticle that no longer holds power over how I react or behave. The time has come to move on from the things that made me who I am and simply be myself.

He's drunk again, it's time to fight
Same old shit, just on a different night
She grabs the gun, she's had enough
Tonight she'll find out how fucking
Tough is this man
Pulls the trigger as fast as she can
Never Again

Never Again
Nickelback

Silent Snow

2006-07-17T02:51:00.000-06:00

The sound of snow softly falling outside comforted me as I lie in bed. He wasn't home yet, the man I both feared and loved, though I knew he would be soon.

"The comp'ny christmas party won't be over 'til late," he slurred, already drunk. "But you be awake when I get home. I have plans for tonight."

I knew what he wanted. It was the same thing he always wanted late at night when the house was silent and dark; privacy ensured for the visit he had in mind.

My heart beat quickly in my chest and my breathing was far too shallow. Each noise stopped my breath completely and I was certain it was him coming home...coming for me. I made myself as small as I could within my bed, already completely covered with as many blankets as possible. With each sound my dread of what would happen built until silent tears slipped unnoticed down my cheeks and I was holding my breath for fear of being found.

Until I couldn't stand it any longer. Until I felt light headed and my chest hurt.

I couldn't stand it any longer.

Without a sound I crept from the bed, bringing the biggest comforter with me. Silently I wrapped the big blanket around me and tiptoed from the room. I knew where I wanted to go, could walk there blindfolded.

The one place I felt safe, loved.

Part of my fear lightened as I slipped silently from the house to the backyard. He'd never look for me where I was going. He would, in fact, tear the house apart looking for me. He would never consider my disobedience by leaving the house.

The snow was cold yet oddly comforting on my bare feet as I walked to my destination. Not 100 feet from the back door there were dog pens. Built for hunting dogs in training, each pen had a partially buried 'house' that was made of hard plastic. Made this way to make it cool in the summer and warm in the winter, it was a perfect haven for me.

I went to my favorite dog's pen and softly called her name. She was out in an instant and happy to see me. Silently I entered the pen and crawled into the little 'house'. I curled up and felt Lady curl up around me.

For a moment I listened to the sound of snow falling all around me. That sound of silence, the peaceful quiet that comes from knowing that nothing can harm you where you're at.

I knew I would be safe there.

I rested my head on Lady's ribs and finally found sleep.

~~~

I still love the sound of snow falling. It brings me a sense of peace that can only be found in knowing that you're completely safe, loved, and carefree.

2006-06-16T16:41:00.000-06:00

"Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around."

-John Flavel

Today's Quote

2006-02-03T09:40:00.000-07:00

"Seduce my mind and you can have my body,
Find my soul and I'm yours forever."
~ by Anonymous ~

another song.

2004-06-27T20:29:00.000-06:00

U2
"With or Without You"

See the stone set in your eyes
See the thorn twist in your side
I wait for you

Sleight of hand and twist of fate
On a bed of nails she makes me wait
And I wait without you

With or without you
With or without you

Through the storm we reach the shore
You give it all but I want more
And I'm waiting for you

With or without you
With or without you
I can't live
With or without you

And you give yourself away
And you give yourself away
And you give
And you give
And you give yourself away

My hands are tied
My body bruised, she's got me with
Nothing to win and
Nothing left to lose

And you give yourself away
And you give yourself away
And you give
And you give
And you give yourself away

With or without you
With or without you
I can't live
With or without you

With or without you
With or without you
I can't live
With or without you
With or without you

2004-06-27T16:27:00.000-06:00

"What Pulp Fiction Character Are You?"

You're a hardworking individual enshrouded by an overwhelming sense of mystery, beauty, and intrigue. Though always on the go, you keep focused, helping - often rapturing - those you meet.

Take the What Pulp Fiction Character Are You? quiz.

Oh man

2004-06-27T11:56:00.000-06:00

God, I hate being sick. I woke up at 7:05 am feeling fine. A little groggy and sleepy, but otherwise ok. I take a shower, brush my teeth, ride to the store to pick up lunch and some drinks (the prices were raised too much to buy from the vending machines at work) and off I go to work. Only took me 11.2 minutes to get to work. Not bad for the mileage I have to ride. I get there, sign on the phones, and take 2 calls. I start feeling bad, so I rush to be bathroom and womit. Yuck. I wash my face, go back to sit down. My temp supervisor (filling in for a boss I think is canned) comes over and asks me if I can show him how to do something. (which is sad, because I'm the one who trained him, and this means he's forgotten everything I've taught him.) I show him some stuff, takes me about 1/2 an hour, then he's like, girl, you look like hell. Go home. So I call Damian and tell him I'm on my way. Took me 900 billion hours to go home, and once I get here, Damian is ready for me. Has the house cool, but not cold. Has crackers and sprite ready for me. *sigh* I'm spoiled. Now here I sit, because I'm feeling too crappy to sleep, writing to you. Don't you feel so special? To know I feel like hell, but still think of my readers. (ok, so I'm reaching) and I need to rest. I'll type at you all again later.

2004-06-26T23:43:00.000-06:00

Think of Laura

2004-06-26T23:28:00.000-06:00

As promised, my song for Mart. Mart, I love you hon. I miss you like crazy. Life has been difficult at times, joyous at others, but I've always felt you near.

"Think of Laura"
By: Christopher Cross

every once in awhile I'd see her smile
and she'd turn my day around
a girl with those eyes
could stare through the lies
and see what your heart was saying

think of Laura but laugh don't cry
I know she'd want it that way
when you think of Laura laugh don't cry
I know she'd want it that way

a friend of a friend
a friend to the end
that's the kind of girl she was
taken away so young
taken away without a warning

think of Laura but laugh don't cry
I know she'd want it that way
when you think of Laura laugh don't cry
I know she'd want it that way

I know you and you're here
in every day we live
I know her and she's here
I can feel her when I sing

hey Laura, where are you now
are you far away from here
I don't think so
I think you're here
taking our tears away

think of Laura but laugh don't cry
I know she'd want it that way
when you think of Laura laugh don't cry
I know she'd want it that way

yawns

2004-06-25T22:35:00.000-06:00

Ok, I'm exhausted. Just flat exhausted. But I have to type this out. For some reason, I've been thinking of someone all day. So, I'll now take the time to tell you about them. LOL. Because I know aaaaaaaall of you people want to know. Ok, when I was 18 I had two very good friends. One named Rosetta, and one named Margaret. Now, Margaret was the type of woman that just had to smile and your day would be better. Well, 3 days after my 20'th birthday, she was killed. Rose and Mart were going to alb. In my car. Rose, being stupid, was passing a loaded feed truck on a no passing part of highway at a speed of 84 miles per hour. The feed truck turned into the passenger side of the car, where mart was sitting. Mart died instantly. Rose had nary a scratch. My car was totaled.I've been thinking of mart all day. God I miss her. She was such a wonderful woman. *sigh* my head is pounding. I think I'll go to bed. Tomorrow, I'm going to put a song up that reminds me of Mart. The song is called 'Think of Laura', and it's by Christopher Cross. I'll post the song, and the words tomorrow. For now, good night all. Hugs and kisses. *smiles*

smiles

2004-06-24T22:09:00.000-06:00

Good Day. sorta. Damian and I went to be like 20 minutes after I wrote my blog. LOL. Working so much sorta has my brain fried. Oh well. Today was long and slow. Kind odd. I usually take over a hundred calls a day. Today I took 83. That's just not right. However, the tqm came to me and asked me if I would like to work 30 days in quality. WOULD I????? OMG!!! YES YES YES!!! For those of you who don't know, quality is a big big big step up from where I am now. WOOOHOOO! My resume needed this. Big time. So, I'm happy. And tired. And tomorrow is without a doubt a 12 hour day. Ugh.

Wow, am I tired.

2004-06-23T23:18:00.000-06:00

Ok, a huge long day. Ugh. I'm beat. I need to beg damian to go to bed. *sigh* we probably won't go to bed for at least 2 hours. I'm gonna die. Working 900 hours a week on 1/2 an hour of sleep. *cries* I'm gonna die. :(

A song that reminds me of someone special.

2004-06-22T23:20:00.000-06:00

Long week next week

2004-06-22T21:40:00.000-06:00

Ok peeps. For those of you who actually read this, I will be working 900 hours next week. Alternating 12 and 10 hour shifts. So, if you need me, I'll be working. Just leave me an offline message, or an email, and I'll get back with you as soon as I can.

2004-06-22T13:37:00.000-06:00

Ah. Beautiful

Good Morning.

2004-06-22T13:12:00.000-06:00

Ah yes. Finally. A day off. Now, what to do with it? LOL. I can a) sit here depressed all day, listening to sad music and cry all day. Or b) I can talk to someone I love, who I know will make me smile. Or c) I can do b, and go out with a friend tonight at 5pm. I pick C. Funny, I actually feel better after not being in chat for awhile. I guess chat was making me more depressed than I thought. That, and work has me upset. I'm working alternating 10 and 12 hour shifts. Unlimited ot is wonderful. However, I am a little upset.I think they fired my boss. He's a good boss, not an ass like most people. He knows what I'm capable of, after all, we both went thru the same training. I honestly think he got fired because he let me do stuff that he wasn't suppose to let me do. I'm not sure tho. I need to call him and find out. I think I'll do that. Right now. LOL. Now I know what I'm gonna do with my day. *grins*

Are you a Reason, Season, or a Lifetime?

2004-06-22T01:00:00.000-06:00

900 billion years ago I gave this to a wonderful friend, whom I love very much. Just recently they reminded me how wonderful it is to be truly loved for who you are. No matter what. That is true friendship. *smiles*

Everyone touches someone's life at least once, you have touched mine and are a Lifetime in my heart,
where do I stand in yours!.

Are you a Reason, a Season, or a Lifetime?
Pay attention to what you read. After you read this, you will know the
reason why it was sent to you!

People come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime.
When you figure out which one it is, you will know what to do for each
person.

When someone is in your life for a REASON...It is usually to meet a need you
have expressed. They have come to assist you through a difficulty, to
provide you with guidance and support, to aid you physically, emotionally,
or spiritually. They may seem like a godsend, and they are!
They are there for the reason you need them to be. Then, without any
wrongdoing on your part, or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or
do something to bring the relationship to an end.

Sometimes they die...
Sometimes they walk away...
Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand...

What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled,
their work is done. The prayer you sent up has been answered. And now it is
time to move on.

When people come into your life for a SEASON...
It is because your turn has come to share, grow, or learn.
They bring you an experience of peace, or make you laugh.
They may teach you something you have never done. They usually give you an
unbelievable amount of joy. Believe it! It is real! But, only for a season.

LIFETIME relationship teach you lifetime lessons, things you must build upon
in order to have a solid emotional foundation...
Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person, and put what you have
learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life. It is
said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.

Stop. smile. Know you are loved.

Depression

2004-06-21T23:22:00.000-06:00

Wow. Betrayal. Amazing how when you bust your ass to help someone, you're god's gift to the world..And when they no longer need you're help, you're a piece of shit, and all the work that you put into everything is shit. Oh how fast they turn. God, I'm nothing but a carpet to them. Oh man.

lol. this is so me

2004-06-21T23:15:00.000-06:00

How to make a california_s
Ingredients:
3 parts pride
3 parts courage
1 part energy
Method:
Add to a cocktail shaker and mix vigorously. Add emotion to taste! Do not overindulge!

Me and You

2004-06-19T00:11:00.000-06:00

This song is very special to my heart. For some reason, it's always touched me in ways that no other song has. It reaches thru the darkness of life, and soothes my soul, telling me that out there, somewhere, there is hope. To all I love, this song is for you.

Me and You
By: Kenny Chesney

Ordinary no
really don't think so
not a love this true
common destiny
we were ment to be
Me and You.

Like a perfect scene
from a movie screen
we're a dream come true

Suited perfectly
for eternity
Me and You.

Every day
I need you more and more
and the night time too
there's no way
I could ever let you go
even if I wanted to.

Every day I live
try my best to give
all I have to you

Thank the stars above
that we share this love
Me and You.

Every day
I need even more
and the night time too.

There's no way
I could ever let you go
even if I wanted to.

Ordinary no
really don't think so
just a precious few

ever make it last
it as lucky as:
Me and You.

Me and You

Ugh

2004-06-18T22:37:00.000-06:00

It's amazing to me how fast my depression can set in. Just 2 days ago I was feeling fine. Now?? Don't ask. Life sucks ass. Why in the hell didn't I do the job properly when I was younger??????? Why the hell can't I do it now??? *sigh*

Wow.

2004-06-16T15:12:00.000-06:00

I just realized, i don't type for days and days, then when i do, it's huuuuuge. lol. not that any one reads this anyway. *sigh* oh well.

Turmoil amongst us in CC1

2004-06-16T15:09:00.000-06:00

Ok, I think what Lil meant by that, is do you have faith in the system that we've developed for this group? I, for one, believe that this system will work, once it's set up and tested. It's not the system that is faulty, it's the people behind it. Right now, because it's new, no one knows what they can do, when they can do it, how they can do it, or even what the 'it' is that they want/need/feel should be done. This group has a foundation. A strong one. It's been shaken. It's been beat up on. But it's still there. That's how you know what you've set up is a lasting and true foundation, rather than just a half hearted tent thrown together in the middle of the storm. I can look at the remianing members, and know that this group is meaningful, and worth something. Not just because I like the members that are here, but because they were strong enough to stay. Because they looked thru the troubles that we have had, and have found the true meaning of this group. This group isn't about everyone being friends, or about everyone being nice. It's about CC1 being YOUR chat room. This isn't Lil's group. It's OUR group. From people who've been here for years like Billy, on down to our newest prostpect, Hang. This is his group. This is Billy's group. This is CC1's group. To those that have left our group, should they realise that leaveing wasn't something they should have done, and come back, then it's one more loyal and tru member added to the backbone of this group. Because, honestly, the members are the backbone of this group. And if some members don't come back because they can't cut the mustard of supporting this group when it needs their support the most, then we were better off filling our ranks with people who can. I know, I'm rambleing, however, I'm extremely disappointed in some of the now gone members. I feel like they stayed long enough to help wreak havok, and then left when they couldn't deal with the crap they started. And I'm saddened to think that people are hurt because of it.

Ok, I'll leave off with this. I'm proud of this group. This is MY group. and I'll not leave because of some unfortunate events that shook the foundation. Rather, I'll find the cracks in the foundation, seal them up, so that this won't happen again.

Once again, to our standing members,Thank you so very much, for your support.
Cali Stryker.

tomorrow's friday. woohoo

2004-06-07T00:00:00.000-06:00

*sigh* tomorrow is friday, thank god. it's also a 12 hour day, which sucks. but at least it's friday. and i do have 3 days off in a row to spend time with damian, and love on him. and kiss him. and tell him he's the best thing on earth. ok..i really haven't been spending time on this like i wanted to. now, let me tell you people, (for those who actually take the time to look at this, lol,) about me. My real name is California Stryker. of course, i do have middle names, however they are too many to list, all 4 of them. i'm 24 years old, and turn 25 in august. i've been married for 4 years to a wonderful man named Damian Stryker. ok. i think this is enough for tonight.

looong day

2004-06-06T00:23:00.000-06:00

ok, loooooooong days of work. i'm exhausted. these 12 hour days kick my booty. but at least tomorrow is only 8 hours, and then i can rest at home. then monday is 12 hours, and is also my friday. ugh. thank god. this has been a long week, lol for a four day week. ok..time to rest.

ok. lets try this again! lol

2004-06-03T14:15:00.000-06:00

alrighty. lets try this again. rotfl. woohoo. i have a blog. (again)