Tuesday, April 03, 2007

Starting Again?

A good many things have changed since I last wrote. I was with a guy named Damian. Now I'm with a guy named James. It's a big change from the things you guys last knew, right?

I'm certainly not as depressed as I was before, though I will always fight depression itself.

Let me start off from the beginning.......

I stopped writing over here and kinda stopped writing completely because Damian and I were having problems. Worse problems than I had origionally ever admitted to anyone. He and I moved. We lived there for a year, and things between us just got steadily worse. He continued to not work, not even looking for a job. He also continued messing around online with various women. I finally had enough March of this year ('07) and he and I agreed he would move out.

October came around and I was still waiting for him to move out.

Needless to say, November came around and I had a place of my own. From there is where I write. It's a nice little two bedroom house with a good sized yard right next to a church... and I love it.

I dated a couple guys and none of them panned out. Seems I still run off everyone I know, for the most part. Then I met James. James is wonderful. He's kind, smart and funny. He makes me laugh when I'm grumpy and pulls me in his arms when I'm upset. He's not going anywhere, so far....(thank goodness!)

James is some of the things Damian was, and a lot of the things Damian wasn't. James refuses to not work. If he isn't working, he's cleaning the house, doing dishes and taking care of me and the dogs. He also refuses to let me wear myself out trying to carry all of the burden of working and paying the bills.

He also has wonderful communication skills. We talk. We listen. We laugh and we work together toward fixing our problems.

That's something Damian and I never did.

Anyway, I don't know if I'll be writing more here or on my other blog. I do know that I've kinda stopped writing very regularly because I'm busy. James and I have so much to do in our spare time that we don't really get on the computer. Who knows, though, right?!

Thoughts in Miss Megumi's mind @ 10:06 PM


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 Monday, August 14, 2006

One More For the Road...

I can't breathe. His hands are too tight around my neck, squeezing harder as he comes closer and closer to reaching his breaking point. I can't move, the weight of him crushing me even as the size of him tears my flesh. My hands claw at his to no avail. His eyes are glassy; his face controted into an ecstasy of rage and exhilaration revealing the madness he hides from the world.

He's close now. I can feel him swelling within me, tearing me more as he moves. Stars dance in my vision and I start to panic. I pound my little fists into his chest as hard as I can and try to wiggle free.

"That's right," he growls, panting. "Fight me!"

He moves faster, pounding into me. A single tear slips down my face as my eyes start to close. All I see is stars as I feel him explode within me.

Instantly his hand on my neck relaxes and he falls on me, almost smothering me with his weight. Gasping, I wiggle weakly underneath him, searching for anything that will give me repreive from his overwhelming weight and a small bit of air.

My body hurts all over. After a minute he lifts himself, letting me scoot from under him. His hand reaches out and he grasps my hair, keeping me from going too far. My eyes wonder to the most hated part of him, the part that hurts me the most. I hear him chuckle and I look up at him, my stomach in knots.

"You like that,don't you Cali." He whispers. "You like what you do for me. You know I love you. That's why I do this. I do this because I love you. If you love me, Cali, you won't cry." He looks down and touches himself.

I start to shake, knowing what's coming next but helpless to stop it.

"You bled on me, Cali. You made a mess. If you loved me, you wouldn't make a mess. But you did. You fucking did. Now you're gonna have to pay, Cali. I'm gonna teach you to be clean you little bitch! Stupid little whore!" He holds his hand up for me to see. "See this shit?! What is this shit? What the fuck is this shit, bitch!?!"

He pulls my hair tighter and slaps my face with the dirty hand. He pulls my head back and I brace myself, unsure of what he'll hit first.

Something slams into my stomach, and my knees buckle. His grip on my hair is the only thing that holds me up as I cry out, weakly. I feel his hand grip me between my legs and squeeze.

The world spins...


I woke up fighting the sheets that were tangled about me and gasping for breath. When I finally realized where I was I stopped fighting, but it took me a moment to regain my composure. It's been awhile since I've dreamed about him. I'm not quite sure what brought this dream about but it's been taken me 3 days to write it. Part of me wants to exclude a lot of what's written here or change it to be about someone else, as if from the third-person perspective but another part of me feels that this is right. The things that happened to me happened and helped to shape the woman I am today. I'm proud of who I am today. I've come along way from the frightened little girl I was.

I realise that this memory isn't something I write because I need to overcome the pain and hurt that I was subjected to as a child but because I'm proud of the woman I've become. I'm proud of the fact that I no longer cringe in fear when a man raises his hand to me. This is an obsticle that no longer holds power over how I react or behave. The time has come to move on from the things that made me who I am and simply be myself.

He's drunk again, it's time to fight
Same old shit, just on a different night
She grabs the gun, she's had enough
Tonight she'll find out how fucking
Tough is this man
Pulls the trigger as fast as she can
Never Again

Never Again

Thoughts in Miss Megumi's mind @ 5:08 AM


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 Monday, July 17, 2006

Silent Snow

The sound of snow softly falling outside comforted me as I lie in bed. He wasn't home yet, the man I both feared and loved, though I knew he would be soon.

"The comp'ny christmas party won't be over 'til late," he slurred, already drunk. "But you be awake when I get home. I have plans for tonight."

I knew what he wanted. It was the same thing he always wanted late at night when the house was silent and dark; privacy ensured for the visit he had in mind.

My heart beat quickly in my chest and my breathing was far too shallow. Each noise stopped my breath completely and I was certain it was him coming home...coming for me. I made myself as small as I could within my bed, already completely covered with as many blankets as possible. With each sound my dread of what would happen built until silent tears slipped unnoticed down my cheeks and I was holding my breath for fear of being found.

Until I couldn't stand it any longer. Until I felt light headed and my chest hurt.

I couldn't stand it any longer.

Without a sound I crept from the bed, bringing the biggest comforter with me. Silently I wrapped the big blanket around me and tiptoed from the room. I knew where I wanted to go, could walk there blindfolded.

The one place I felt safe, loved.

Part of my fear lightened as I slipped silently from the house to the backyard. He'd never look for me where I was going. He would, in fact, tear the house apart looking for me. He would never consider my disobedience by leaving the house.

The snow was cold yet oddly comforting on my bare feet as I walked to my destination. Not 100 feet from the back door there were dog pens. Built for hunting dogs in training, each pen had a partially buried 'house' that was made of hard plastic. Made this way to make it cool in the summer and warm in the winter, it was a perfect haven for me.

I went to my favorite dog's pen and softly called her name. She was out in an instant and happy to see me. Silently I entered the pen and crawled into the little 'house'. I curled up and felt Lady curl up around me.

For a moment I listened to the sound of snow falling all around me. That sound of silence, the peaceful quiet that comes from knowing that nothing can harm you where you're at.

I knew I would be safe there.

I rested my head on Lady's ribs and finally found sleep.


I still love the sound of snow falling. It brings me a sense of peace that can only be found in knowing that you're completely safe, loved, and carefree.

Thoughts in Miss Megumi's mind @ 2:51 AM


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 Friday, June 16, 2006

"Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around."

-John Flavel

Thoughts in Miss Megumi's mind @ 4:41 PM


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 Friday, February 03, 2006

Today's Quote

"Seduce my mind and you can have my body,
Find my soul and I'm yours forever."
~ by Anonymous ~

Thoughts in Miss Megumi's mind @ 9:40 AM


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