Monday, August 14, 2006

One More For the Road...

I can't breathe. His hands are too tight around my neck, squeezing harder as he comes closer and closer to reaching his breaking point. I can't move, the weight of him crushing me even as the size of him tears my flesh. My hands claw at his to no avail. His eyes are glassy; his face controted into an ecstasy of rage and exhilaration revealing the madness he hides from the world.

He's close now. I can feel him swelling within me, tearing me more as he moves. Stars dance in my vision and I start to panic. I pound my little fists into his chest as hard as I can and try to wiggle free.

"That's right," he growls, panting. "Fight me!"

He moves faster, pounding into me. A single tear slips down my face as my eyes start to close. All I see is stars as I feel him explode within me.

Instantly his hand on my neck relaxes and he falls on me, almost smothering me with his weight. Gasping, I wiggle weakly underneath him, searching for anything that will give me repreive from his overwhelming weight and a small bit of air.

My body hurts all over. After a minute he lifts himself, letting me scoot from under him. His hand reaches out and he grasps my hair, keeping me from going too far. My eyes wonder to the most hated part of him, the part that hurts me the most. I hear him chuckle and I look up at him, my stomach in knots.

"You like that,don't you Cali." He whispers. "You like what you do for me. You know I love you. That's why I do this. I do this because I love you. If you love me, Cali, you won't cry." He looks down and touches himself.

I start to shake, knowing what's coming next but helpless to stop it.

"You bled on me, Cali. You made a mess. If you loved me, you wouldn't make a mess. But you did. You fucking did. Now you're gonna have to pay, Cali. I'm gonna teach you to be clean you little bitch! Stupid little whore!" He holds his hand up for me to see. "See this shit?! What is this shit? What the fuck is this shit, bitch!?!"

He pulls my hair tighter and slaps my face with the dirty hand. He pulls my head back and I brace myself, unsure of what he'll hit first.

Something slams into my stomach, and my knees buckle. His grip on my hair is the only thing that holds me up as I cry out, weakly. I feel his hand grip me between my legs and squeeze.

The world spins...


I woke up fighting the sheets that were tangled about me and gasping for breath. When I finally realized where I was I stopped fighting, but it took me a moment to regain my composure. It's been awhile since I've dreamed about him. I'm not quite sure what brought this dream about but it's been taken me 3 days to write it. Part of me wants to exclude a lot of what's written here or change it to be about someone else, as if from the third-person perspective but another part of me feels that this is right. The things that happened to me happened and helped to shape the woman I am today. I'm proud of who I am today. I've come along way from the frightened little girl I was.

I realise that this memory isn't something I write because I need to overcome the pain and hurt that I was subjected to as a child but because I'm proud of the woman I've become. I'm proud of the fact that I no longer cringe in fear when a man raises his hand to me. This is an obsticle that no longer holds power over how I react or behave. The time has come to move on from the things that made me who I am and simply be myself.

He's drunk again, it's time to fight
Same old shit, just on a different night
She grabs the gun, she's had enough
Tonight she'll find out how fucking
Tough is this man
Pulls the trigger as fast as she can
Never Again

Never Again

Thoughts in Miss Megumi's mind @ 5:08 AM


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